know thy self

what are you trying to show me god? the last few weeks, i have come to doubt my ability as a writer, but more importantly, my place as a christian. i feel like a shallow representation of myself, and a total phony. the person that i lay before the world, is that me, or is that the public face that i have a tendency to put on so people see me as the good little church girl, the missionary? i pretend to be deep, but am i really? what lies in the path of truth and what is actually the path of truth are two different things. we can follow the one and cross paths with what might be right, but we’ve gotten off the actual trail. inside me, there’s a twisting of skin and flesh and bone going on that’s terribly painful, but i have to face it. i’ve got to shoulder it, right? or maybe not. i’m learning that there’s something sure and certain about releasing your cares into god’s hands.

one thing i am thankful for right now is friends who tell the truth. we get this inaccurate view of ourselves, and we start acting fake. then these incredible friends nail us. and it’s not because they want to rub our faults in our face; on the contrary, we’ve helped them a million times and they only know to do the the same for us, being completely honest and helping us along until we can stand again. we limp along together and beg for god’s mercy on our weakness. and he is more than willing to give it. the more i see of god and the world, the more i know my need for him. and the more i know he needs me in the world to be a beacon for the lost, not some high and mighty lighthouse, though. more like someone with a flashlight, who was stumbling around in the dark and got thrown this lifeline, this beam of light, and has now been charged with helping others find their way out as well.